There is no way I am sleeping tonight. My oldest brother is having surgery at 12:15 for a melanoma that I have pestered him about for almost 6 years!! When I first noticed it he waived me off. I am a retired RN and worked the Oncology wards most of my career. I knew the mole was trouble and he simply stuck his head in the sand , drove me nuts!!! So a couple times a month I would bring it up. I brought him material and printed out things about the issue of melanomas only to deal with remarks like , "It doesn't matter I doubt I'll live long enough for the Mole to get me" Arrrrggggghhhhh I kept after him and got my daughters to bring it up at least once a month until he got miffed when it was mentioned. Over the past year and a half the growth was aggressive and there could be no denying it was a problem. His employers are friends of ours. They have a large keenl and about 10 years ago my brother decided to move out to Alabama from Southern California to be closer to my children and I. We were always fairly close and he was often more of a dad to me than my own father ever could have been. He is 14 years older than I am.
My friend and I have been having a bit of a strained relationship for a while because she can be a huge drama junkie it just gets old after a time. They have more money than God and every time we would go to a dog show etc or come over for dinner would bring 1/2 the dinner and still be asked to pick up wine or some last minute item , normally very lame with and I'll pay you for it when you get here but like many wealthy folk they never seemed to have the money for whatever it was. I would refuse to pick up ciggerretes since the Hubs and I are both non smokers. Why would I buy something I am really opposed to? But she often asks anyway... So at Christmas My friend had a cousin also a RN visit and she commented on the aggressive nature of the mole and encouraged my brother to get it looked at. The more My friend and her cousin drank (wine) they more they made this into a great dramatic issue.... I could not get her to back me up in the 6 years I had been after him.. but all of a sudden it was "Bonita WE have to do something about this... He MUST have it looked at yadayada yada" I agreed, Then iTtwas "Bonita you know he has no insurance!" Yes I know as he hadn't been paid enough in the 10 years he worked for them to keep up with it had he wanted to. But He was happy with the job, he loves the dogs and the kennel is an awesome studio apartment witha loft bedroom and all the niceities he could want.
Over these 10 years I have also had to listen to my friend grump and groan about his smoking ...(she smokeswhen she drinks) About his not keeping the kennel as immmaculate as she wanted, about my youngest brother being his guest for a period of time about him not cutting his hair ...you get the picture I am sure.... So I just bit my lip and ignored the comments about how on earth he would manange. My Husband and I have covered the health needs or family memebrs for over 26 years now. Picking up what they could not afford and backing them in everything from dental to routine health care. We had flown them back and forth from California to visit and cared for my mother and his for 8 and 14.5 years respectively in our home until thier deaths. We had my brothers both living with us at different points as well. The Hubs calls our Home Bob's bed and breakfast....
So back to the melanoma, I had finally a bout 2 years ago resigned myself to accepting his choice to ignore or die from this mole. It is now the size of a child's thumb, his lymph nodes are involved. After my friend has a few glasses of wine she starts in with the phone calls. "Bonita how is he going to pay for everything?" I told her not to worry Bob and I would help him, Then I hear her telling friends on the dog show circut that she and her husband would most likely have to pay for everything, which brought offers from other wealthy friends to assist as well.... I tried to shrug it off as the important thing was in my head he was finally getting it cared for. I called the different agencies and lined him up for a variety of programs. He seemed happy with the information and appointments as I was able to have the majority done on the phone . We speak several times a day and he had opted not to discuss everything with My friend since she was apparently getting on his nerves. So she shifted an began calling me, "Bonita he just has to get this done, I don't want to lose him , he means the world to me to us we don't know what we would do with out him" and on and on and on... I tried to listen but frankely it got old very quickly. Then we stepped it up to her calling me at dog shows, Bonita I can't believe you went to the show aren't you worried at all about your brother???" Duh, I assured he we spoke a great deal and that my younger brother and I had worked things out with him already I would drive him to his appointments and in for the surgery and my younger brother would assume his duties with the dogs and be there to care for Larry when he came home from the hospital. "OH No, No NO WE will take him to the hospital" I was a bit taken aback but told her what ever my brother wanted was fine with me. " I will be there to speak with the doctors and I will take a book so I can wait for him to come out of surgery etc" I said well that was really nice but Larry had said he really didn't want anyone there until he had woken up and was coherent ... I understand this and assured him as soon as he was ready for company we would drive in , just let us know if he wanted anything and we discussed the probability of a certain amount of disfigurment as they will have to remove the lymph nodes on one side . We teased each other about his having to lose his cherished beard, he has had it all of my almost 30 year old daughter's life. There is no ego in this for me, I have had cancer twice, I did not want anyone with me when I underwent chemo. You feel bad enough trying to listen or chat is rough. My friend said " I will just see about that, after all SOMEONE has to be there and I care so deeply for him he means the world to us and we will not let him down we will wait until he is up and about and we will .... " I couldn't even follow her anymore it made my head hurt. Then she started in again "Well YOU are going regardless what he says right?!" No, I respect his choice now that he is finally getting the help I had prayed for for him for so darn long I will not rub his nose in it , You feel crummy and out of control of your life when facing cancer. Chances are , in reality I may not have my big brother much longer as there is no way of knowing untill they are in how badly it has spread and what he will be able to tolerate . I would rather impower him now that he is taking this seriously. Apparently that wasn't good enough for my buddy. As she ragged on and on until I thought my head would explode! I kept loading the dishwasher and putting away the food from dinner as she lectured me on how close they were and how she cared more about him than any one else in the entire world... I had the kitchen cleaned an began popping the 3 youngest grandkids into the tub, she was still telling me what cancer was and wasn't how you have to force him to face this and how she would have every detail from the doctor before she ever left the hospital... Finally it dawned on her I was asying very little just letting her talk. so she switched to I would never belive what he looks like without his beard how she assured him over and over he looked years and years younger , I agreed, she repeated herself in only sllightly different words, I still agreed, ( 2 in the tub by now one out being dried) Again she kept telling me I simply would not believe it ... I finally had enough and said " DJ, I grew UP with my brother I have seen him without his beard before truly I know what my brother looks like.... " then there was silence... for a onlya moment but it was a blessed silence.. and she pipped up with "Bonita why are you being short with ME ?" I barely bit back the groan and said "DJ I told you when you first called I was pretty busy I'd only been home a couple of hours" and she came back with a petulant , "maybe I should let you go if you are busy then?" ( score !!) I said Yes that is a great idea and see you later !! Before an hour had passed she had called several of my friends in MY breed who I co own with, to tell them "After ALL she has done... I was snippy with her, frankly if she didn't love him so much she wouldn't have put up with ME??!" AY YI YI YI YI seriously where do folks get thier nerve? She never visited me in the hospital as she hates them and just can't bear to go inside... I never got flowers or a card, I barely got a phone call once. She didn't even come by to visit the girls when they had thier babies instead she sent the gifts by way of another person so she would not have to go into the hospital... I actually have some experience with what my brother is going to feel like , I respect his wishes and I have known him my entire life as opposed to 10 years. Apparently she had to make sure my friends knew they- were- just- so- very- very- close.. that I could not possibly understand the relationship...? Of course my friends who live in a whole different state just had to make sure I knew about her call... sigh people need to get a life ! So after having deeply vivid dreams about my mother for the past two nights, obviously a subconcious linking to my worry over my big brother and being so uptight over the whole aspect of wht he chose to do with his health the chances of sleep are not the best.
This happened one other time when my first husband vanished , I was pregnant and had a one year old baby, no money, no car , no job and his sister came up and told me they were practically twins, I wouldn't understand how close they had been or how he was far more likely to contact her than ever to contact me , you know the mother of his kids ... when did it become a contest? Why do folks get this weird concept that they must hurt the most, be the closest and have the most invested?? Isn't it enough to simply love some one and bond together out of that love?
And of course since our out of state friends had to mention it to the Hubs he jumped my case for not being more concerned with poor DJ's worries.....
thanks for allowing the rant gang. wait a minute are any of YOU closer to my brother than I ma? Am I in trouble AGAIN for not understanding and being selfish about the possible loss of my brother? Cripes.... me and Britty I guess WHOOPS I DID IT AGAIN...
Bonita of Bwana
PS any spare prayers or good thoughts you all could send his way would be beyond appreciated, he is a decent and good guy just more stubborn than a mule about some things... just send them out to Larry, he knows who he is and I am pretty sure the Universe does too.