So wtf do I do now? (lifestuff-Chelsea)

Give it a little time.  It's quite possible that dad will find that staying home with kids is no picnic in the park and the demands of an infant may be more overwhelming than he could ever imagine.  You just might find  yourself getting your old job back.

Joyce

Joyce may be right ... altho, to be honest I was afraid they were setting you up for this.  You were *easy* but that doesn't mean anyone was committed to YOU, nor were they allowing you to develop your own independance to ***prepare*** for the rest of your adult life. 

That 16 - 20 year old time of life should be essentially when you are pushed out of the nest to a degree -- if it's too 'easy' to just stay home (particularly if you perceive you are really **needed** by family and it is essentially your place to stay and do that) then it's all quite a disservice to you.  It is truly taking advantage of you -- particularly since it's allowed you to bond so closely with Alleen (which is always going to backfire -- particularly once she's left and has married). 

She's going to resent you (even if she's not the most maternal of people) and the husband is going to resent *paying* you (since you're 'family' ).  It makes HIM (not rightfully, but this is how it would be perceived) feel like he's "supporting" you.

Someone would pay an au pair a good deal of money to watch their child (rather than having to send the kid to daycare, etc.).  But no one thinks of that when it's a family member.

So now *you* are left holding the bag.  You've put independance on hold (and often it gets squelched completely because it's too hard to stay home and DO what you do while allowing any 'wishing' to go on -- so it's easier not to even allow yourself to dream of "what you want to be".   And you wind up not developing the skills you will *need* to go out and deal with everyday people -- because you've been living with family.

So it makes YOUR transition to life 100 times harder.  That's unfortunate.  But you've got a big task ahead of you ... to recoup the last few years and decide to step out.  If you don't you run the risk of looking back when you are 30, 40, or 50 and feeling like you've never "lived" life or accomplished anything. 

You've also got a situation where you have a dog who is semi-aggressive with strangers.  That has all added up to make it EASY to stay home with Alleen and Cherokee rather than developing life. 

But you've done a good job beginning to retrain Cherokee -- and once you are motivated to make the break and get involved in future planning for *yourself* it will be even better. 

I'm not saying anything to patronize you ... I feel angry *for* you.  Everyone in your family took this 'easy' way ... to have you solve the childcare problem and this kept you "around" during a time when many young women get *too* independant, explore, leave home, or generally worry mom to death. 

At some point in our lives we all have to step out and do what will get us to the next level.  You can't live your life for/thru family -- because eventually following that path leaves you old and ALONE with no one else.  Not that you need a 'man' to fulfill you -- but you need your own life.  A job to support you and things, ideas, plans and activities to challenge you and help you grow as a person.  Accomplishment is SO important in life.  It's what helps satisfy.  They've taken that away -- it's as if they've taken Alleeen (and now the new baby) and put them in another place and now you're left without 'life purpose'.

It *does* suck Chelsea.  But you can't just sit and be angry or passionless -- you have to let that fuel you to switch directions and FIND something no one can take from you. 

I'm going to say - give yourself a break. It's so easy for us to get stuck in this "school->college->job->retirement" track, to feel like there's always a place that we're supposed to be in our lives. You know? You're probably feeling this somewhat since you haven't gone to college (yet), maybe feeling like you sort of put your life on hold for a little while? But that's okay! It's perfectly okay to take some time to "find yourself" and take a little side trip from your grand scheme life plan.

What I would do in your position is take some job, any job, that seems even remotely interesting and just play it by ear for a little while. You don't necessarily have to feel like you're deciding now where you're going to be in 5 years. You don't *have* to make major life decisions if you don't want to! Give yourself some time to get your feet up under you and sort of branch out a bit. Get some sort of job (don't feel bad if it's not a "good job" - anything is fine), do some sort of enrichment for yourself (maybe take an art class, or even a class with Alleen, or something), do stuff that will be fun and interesting for you so you're not feeling quite so dependent on other people. You know what I mean?

I think I kind of understand what you're going through, feeling like you have to get your stuff together to plan the rest of your life, stop just kind of "floating by." I'm totally in the same place right now, feeling like I want to just sit at home and play videogames and read books all day instead of having to deal with pushing beyond my comfort zone. But they don't have to be big leaps into the unknown, they can be baby steps. Maybe that will take a little of the pressure off?

And if you ever want to "run away" briefly, come hang out on the East Coast, New England isn't *that* far from Maryland... :-p 

I'd also say you should ask your cousin for help finding work. Maybe she has some contacts, or has heard of a job offering somewhere. Since essentially she's the one who has left you unemployed, if I were her, I would certainly feel some sort of obligation to help you find something else. 2 weeks is really not much notice, especially since you've been waiting on her for a few months. See if she and her husband can help you find something! (Not necessarily find one for you, but help, like ask around, help you with your resume, etc.)

 I'm not really sure I have any advice for you.  I'm not gonna say suck it up or she's a jerk or anything.  I think Callie made some really great comments.  I was in your shoes once upon a time.  I was slightly younger than you, but with the added complication of moving into my sister's house so I could be her 'live-in' babysitter.  Those kids were mine.  I loved them(and still do) just as much as their own mother.  I was there probably 80% of the time that they were and much much more than my sister. 

 My sister went on her binge period from the time my nieces and nephew were 5, 3 and 1 until the oldest was about 10.  She would leave Friday morning for work, call afterwards to let me know they had decided to go fishing, then roll in sometime Sunday evening.  I was 16 and had parties and stuff to go to, but I didn't.  I stayed home and raised those kids.  I slept on her couch for 4 years, so she never had to worry about a babysitter.  And do you know what I get now?  "Well, Candace, you know you lived at my house rent free for most of highschool."  Ya um.... I would have lived at home with mom and dad during that time for free and still had a life.  I got $20 each time I babysat.  Even if it was for the entire weekend.  Tracey figured this worked out great in my favour because sometimes she would only go out for a couple hours. 

And then Steph turned 11.  Legally old enough here to babysit siblings.  And guess where that left me?  Yup, you guessed it.  No job, no experience except raising kids.  And while that's valuable, it just doesn't say much on a resume.  I did some this and that work for a bit, did alot more partying.  Then I got pregnant with Kale and life slowed down.  I went back to work when Kale was 3 months old.  I went to work in a gas station of all places.  It became apparent there that I had a knack for dealing with kids, or other employees.  From there I went into management among other things.  I learned that I know how to get people to do what I want them to.  And things fell into place.  I've gotten to a pretty good place in my life and I'm currently taking a step back, laying low and taking my turn to raise my "Own" family.  It feels good.

Oh and one other thing?  I'm as close now to my sister's kids as I ever was.  I've been there for them every step of the way and no one has ever been able to stop me from doing that.  Even though, like Callie said, my sister resented my closeness with her kids when she came to her senses.  She still acts suprised when they ask for me.  Its ok though, because her and I have developed another relationship that we never had before.  

Things will get better Chelsea.  Take the time to find yourself, and keep your relationship with the kids strong.

You know I hate to be cliche, but things in life happen for a reason.  Recently you were saying how little motivation you have and now you are getting a big kick in the butt!  Take it as an opportunity to expand your horizon and move on.  Don't dwell on what could have been or what has been.  Go out and make your life what you want.  I agree, callie has some good points.  Maybe some school while you are thinking about your next move? It can never hurt.

Sorry I didn't respond to this sooner guys. I really appreciate the support and advice. It's just been a crazy few days.

After two days, nearly 20 hours, of watching both kids, I can comfortably say... I think Jerry's delusional for thinking he can do this full-time. He's a great guy, and a fine dad, but...he just ain't cut out for this. I don't see him admitting that though. I have a feeling Alleen's going to be parked in front of the TV 98% of the day. He's going to be working 6 pm to midnight, and then getting up with a 3 month old and 4 year old? I sat on my butt doing nothing (besides a walk with Cherokee) all evening yesterday, went to sleep at 11, and still had a really rough time waking and getting up this morning. And I'm a LOT less lazy than Jerry... I don't know what they'll do though. I'm sure the reason the plan changed is because Jerry doesn't want me to be close with Thomas like I am with Alleen, so I really can't see him turning around and going "Oh, nevermind.. Send them back to Chelsea.."

It's funny, Erin used to really resent my relationship with Alleen, and she'd get her feelings hurt when Alleen would call for me instead of her, but now she's secure enough to accept it, I guess. Jerry's really really insecure though. I'm sure it really sucks for him. Here's this kid he basically accepts as his, but he didn't meet her til she was almost 2, and here I am, his wife's cousin, and I'm STILL closer to Alleen than he is, 3 years later. He acts like it's my fault though, and I really strongly believe though that kids can only love a person as much as the person loves them, so I find it really annoying that he blames me for that...

I can't stress about it anymore though..so I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens, and in the meantime I'm assuming these two weeks really are it. I was hoping I could make them really fun and special with Alleen, but I really don't know if I can handle taking them both out (I haven't even attempted a walk around the neighborhood yet, LOL). Plus I am SUPER broke. Maybe I'll just have to take her on a weekly outing or something after these two weeks...

Chelsea - I am going to butt in on this.  Don't go back and watch their kids, even if they ask.  I know this hurts, but they aren't your responsibility.  If they decide in 1-6 months that this isn't working out, then they need to figure something out for them.  You cannot be their crutch.  Think of it this way, say you go back and watch them.  Then what are you going to do in 5 years when they are in school??  You will then be 5 years older and still in the same position. 

WOW Chelsea that really does stink!! And I can honestly say I have been where you are.  When I was 17 my stepdad's friend got arrested and went to prison. He was a crook so that was no surprize. But he had hooked up with a very trashy type of women and they had a baby girl. Rosita was born with a big strawberry birthmark on her temple. When her streetwalking "mother" figured out my Mom was a sucker for babies she announced she would be having the birthmark removed by a pharmacist !! This was in Tiajuana. ( My mom owned a couple of businesses down there a newspaper and club)  Mom talked her into letting us take her to a doctor in the States. We would pick Rosita up and bring her across the boder and mom would vanish for a few weeks at a time then finally resurface and ask to see her baby. We would sadly pack the baby up with bags and bags of clothes and supplies and return her to her "mother" . A couple of weeks would pass and once more we would get a call, Lupe would need us to help again, the baby may have cold or she may need groceries, Mom would go without fail and again Rosie would come home to us.  She went from sleeping in a drawer of my mom's dresser to mom buying her a crib and everything else she needed. Carseat, stroller, highchair... Lupe never brought any of the clothes back , Rosie was most often dirty and wrapped in a thin blanket. She would once in a while admit to selling them for more important things (?) Mom allowed me to have free rein with the baby, I was allowed to shop and play, caring for her was a joy and never a chore. I was the one who got her first smile and word and she began trying to walk to come to me. I adored this child and she was so welcomed into our family.  After nearly 2 years of this Lupe began hinting she would be willing to come to a finacial arrangement that would allow us to keep Rosita forever. We were all so excited and mom found an attny and began the paperwork.  The father who was still in jail could not care less so it looked like the very best solution to allow the baby a wonderful life.

A few weeks before the arrangement was to be heard in front of a magistrate in Mexico, Lupe was murdered. She had hooked up with the wrong druggie and was beaten to death. As much as I hated her she did not deserve this horrible end. I was questioned by Federales and the FBI pulled out of my class in high school. They never did find her killer.  But now instead of the way being clear for us to adopt Rosie the father decided maybe he could cash in on her, and the phone calls began, first send him ciggerettes, than commisory money.. soon he was demanding more and more and Mom said enough! He decided to try to bluff mom but we had done enough and knew this guy would never allow the girl to grow up with us as long as he could make a buck off of her.  Mom found his sister in St Louis and I flew my little sweetheart to her. I handed over her suitcases and kissed her good bye for the last time. Rosa, the crook's sister was a decent and lovely woman she sent us photos over the years and we eventually got over our grief and knew we had done the best thing for her.  She grew to be a beauty. Don't you know the day the moron got out of prison he began making additional demands all hinging on allowing his sister to keep the child she had raised for 15 years.  Mom and I wept for and with her the day she also had to allow him to take her to another state to live with a new wife. Thankfully the day she turned 18 she was on a plane home to her Aunt never to look back again. I think of her often and keep the little beauty in my heart always. she was my first baby and I was allowed to love her without condition and without motive.

I will tell you time heals and distance makes it possible to allow your heart to continue to love her and not be hurt over and over again. Your niece was blessed to have that unconditional love and even though it hurts now you also were blessed by that love shared.  I feel your pain and want you to know if you ever need a friend to talk with about her I am a keyboard a way.

Hugs Bonita of Bwana

WOW Chelsea that really does stink!! And I can honestly say I have been where you are.  When I was 17 my stepdad's friend got arrested and went to prison. He was a crook so that was no surprize. But he had hooked up with a very trashy type of women and they had a baby girl. Rosita was born with a big strawberry birthmark on her temple. When her streetwalking "mother" figured out my Mom was a sucker for babies she announced she would be having the birthmark removed by a pharmacist !! This was in Tiajuana. ( My mom owned a couple of businesses down there a newspaper and club)  Mom talked her into letting us take her to a doctor in the States. We would pick Rosita up and bring her across the boder and mom would vanish for a few weeks at a time then finally resurface and ask to see her baby. We would sadly pack the baby up with bags and bags of clothes and supplies and return her to her "mother" . A couple of weeks would pass and once more we would get a call, Lupe would need us to help again, the baby may have cold or she may need groceries, Mom would go without fail and again Rosie would come home to us.  She went from sleeping in a drawer of my mom's dresser to mom buying her a crib and everything else she needed. Carseat, stroller, highchair... Lupe never brought any of the clothes back , Rosie was most often dirty and wrapped in a thin blanket. She would once in a while admit to selling them for more important things (?) Mom allowed me to have free rein with the baby, I was allowed to shop and play, caring for her was a joy and never a chore. I was the one who got her first smile and word and she began trying to walk to come to me. I adored this child and she was so welcomed into our family.  After nearly 2 years of this Lupe began hinting she would be willing to come to a finacial arrangement that would allow us to keep Rosita forever. We were all so excited and mom found an attny and began the paperwork.  The father who was still in jail could not care less so it looked like the very best solution to allow the baby a wonderful life.

A few weeks before the arrangement was to be heard in front of a magistrate in Mexico, Lupe was murdered. She had hooked up with the wrong druggie and was beaten to death. As much as I hated her she did not deserve this horrible end. I was questioned by Federales and the FBI pulled out of my class in high school. They never did find her killer.  But now instead of the way being clear for us to adopt Rosie the father decided maybe he could cash in on her, and the phone calls began, first send him ciggerettes, than commisory money.. soon he was demanding more and more and Mom said enough! He decided to try to bluff mom but we had done enough and knew this guy would never allow the girl to grow up with us as long as he could make a buck off of her.  Mom found his sister in St Louis and I flew my little sweetheart to her. I handed over her suitcases and kissed her good bye for the last time. Rosa, the crook's sister was a decent and lovely woman she sent us photos over the years and we eventually got over our grief and knew we had done the best thing for her.  She grew to be a beauty. Don't you know the day the moron got out of prison he began making additional demands all hinging on allowing his sister to keep the child she had raised for 15 years.  Mom and I wept for and with her the day she also had to allow him to take her to another state to live with a new wife. Thankfully the day she turned 18 she was on a plane home to her Aunt never to look back again. I think of her often and keep the little beauty in my heart always. she was my first baby and I was allowed to love her without condition and without motive.

I will tell you time heals and distance makes it possible to allow your heart to continue to love her and not be hurt over and over again. Your niece was blessed to have that unconditional love and even though it hurts now you also were blessed by that love shared.  I feel your pain and want you to know if you ever need a friend to talk with about her I am a keyboard a way.

Hugs Bonita of Bwana

WOW Chelsea that really does stink!! And I can honestly say I have been where you are.  When I was 17 my stepdad's friend got arrested and went to prison. He was a crook so that was no surprize. But he had hooked up with a very trashy type of women and they had a baby girl. Rosita was born with a big strawberry birthmark on her temple. When her streetwalking "mother" figured out my Mom was a sucker for babies she announced she would be having the birthmark removed by a pharmacist !! This was in Tiajuana. ( My mom owned a couple of businesses down there a newspaper and club)  Mom talked her into letting us take her to a doctor in the States. We would pick Rosita up and bring her across the boder and mom would vanish for a few weeks at a time then finally resurface and ask to see her baby. We would sadly pack the baby up with bags and bags of clothes and supplies and return her to her "mother" . A couple of weeks would pass and once more we would get a call, Lupe would need us to help again, the baby may have cold or she may need groceries, Mom would go without fail and again Rosie would come home to us.  She went from sleeping in a drawer of my mom's dresser to mom buying her a crib and everything else she needed. Carseat, stroller, highchair... Lupe never brought any of the clothes back , Rosie was most often dirty and wrapped in a thin blanket. She would once in a while admit to selling them for more important things (?) Mom allowed me to have free rein with the baby, I was allowed to shop and play, caring for her was a joy and never a chore. I was the one who got her first smile and word and she began trying to walk to come to me. I adored this child and she was so welcomed into our family.  After nearly 2 years of this Lupe began hinting she would be willing to come to a finacial arrangement that would allow us to keep Rosita forever. We were all so excited and mom found an attny and began the paperwork.  The father who was still in jail could not care less so it looked like the very best solution to allow the baby a wonderful life.

A few weeks before the arrangement was to be heard in front of a magistrate in Mexico, Lupe was murdered. She had hooked up with the wrong druggie and was beaten to death. As much as I hated her she did not deserve this horrible end. I was questioned by Federales and the FBI pulled out of my class in high school. They never did find her killer.  But now instead of the way being clear for us to adopt Rosie the father decided maybe he could cash in on her, and the phone calls began, first send him ciggerettes, than commisory money.. soon he was demanding more and more and Mom said enough! He decided to try to bluff mom but we had done enough and knew this guy would never allow the girl to grow up with us as long as he could make a buck off of her.  Mom found his sister in St Louis and I flew my little sweetheart to her. I handed over her suitcases and kissed her good bye for the last time. Rosa, the crook's sister was a decent and lovely woman she sent us photos over the years and we eventually got over our grief and knew we had done the best thing for her.  She grew to be a beauty. Don't you know the day the moron got out of prison he began making additional demands all hinging on allowing his sister to keep the child she had raised for 15 years.  Mom and I wept for and with her the day she also had to allow him to take her to another state to live with a new wife. Thankfully the day she turned 18 she was on a plane home to her Aunt never to look back again. I think of her often and keep the little beauty in my heart always. she was my first baby and I was allowed to love her without condition and without motive.

I will tell you time heals and distance makes it possible to allow your heart to continue to love her and not be hurt over and over again. Your niece was blessed to have that unconditional love and even though it hurts now you also were blessed by that love shared.  I feel your pain and want you to know if you ever need a friend to talk with about her I am a keyboard a way.

Hugs Bonita of Bwana