Dog Community

Whining about DH and a conundrum

Posted : 12/12/2006 3:55:34 PM

So here's the sitch: the only one of our two dogs who's ever done any "organized activity" is Marlowe, who went through a CGC prep class. I took him to that, DH never went once. Okay, that's fine. Marlowe is kind of "my" dog and Conrad is sort of "his" dog. DH adores both dogs, but in a very detached "they're cute" kind of way. When there's a problem with them, he just writes it off as "no big deal" and he doesn't really have any ambitions for them beyond laying around the house and looking cute (which they are experts at at this point).

Anyway, I recently was talking to some folks about getting together informally to do tracking. I've never done it before and I think both dogs would rock out at it and also have a great time. So I'm totally stoked. I emailed DH to ask whether he'd be interested in doing this with me so both dogs could participate. I thought there might be a chance of him saying yes because tracking is sort of a "rugged and manly" activity, and it would be something we could do together as a family. At this point there's nearly nothing we to together hobby-wise. Entire weekends go by and we barely see eachother.

But no. He's not interested in ever doing any organized activities with the dogs. Now, he loves the dogs and he cares for them just fine (though I'm sort of the enforcer in the house and he's more apt to go, "Eh, that's good enough, they'll be fine.";). But I'm pretty royally bummed that he's put the total kybosh on ever doing anything with me involving the dogs aside from just taking a walk.

And I also am afraid this means that Conrad will forever be getting the shaft. I can't decide what to do about the tracking because I want them both to give it a whirl. I also started to have a big issue with who to take to ClickerExpo if I go. Marlowe's done more clicker training, but Conrad does better in situations where there's a lot of standing around and doing nothng involved. I have gone back and forth a trillion times on this.

So those of you who have two dogs but only one person who really works with them much, how do you handle this issue?

And for those of you with a spouse who doesn't take nearly as much interest in the dogs as you, how do you deal with that?

glenmar

Posted : 12/12/2006 4:04:38 PM

Maybe make it not about doing stuff with the dogs so much as doing stuff with YOU...and the dogs just get to go along?

dogslyfe

Posted : 12/12/2006 4:13:48 PM

So those of you who have two dogs but only one person who really works with them much, how do you handle this issue?

Well, I have to say I'm stoked that my DH does do agility with one of the dogs. That's the only activity he's interested in, dog-wise, and otherwise I'm kinda happy if he just comes to spectate on occasion. As much as I would like for him to love working livestock as much as I do, it's just not "his deal". I don't even know how much longer agility with Bree will be his deal.

The thing is - he's supportive of me. He doesn't ixnay any of my outings, lessons, practices, trials, or hang-outs with my girlfriends - never gives me a hard time, and is truly interested in how it went. He even comes to some of the stuff. I personally made the choice to decide what was "good enough" for me - and it turned out that "good enough" was his support and occasional sideline participation.

I handle it by inviting him when I go - but not letting myself feel hurt when he says no. Initially it *did* hurt my feel-bads though. I also handled it by allowing him to choose what he *did* want to involve himself in -- ie agility -- even though I thought he would like flyball better.

I dunno what to tell you about your DH though, since he doesn't belong to me. [

] There may just wind up (eventually) being something he gets interested in - after watching.

cakana

Posted : 12/12/2006 4:24:42 PM

I think Glenda makes a good point. I'd also suggest sitting down face to face (vs. email) and let him know that you don't expect him to have the same level of interest, but maybe just giving this a try because it's something you'd really like to try. I think sometimes we, as partners, get complacent about stuff like this. I can see my DH giving a quick "uh, no thanks" kind of answer on something similar, but usually if I point out that it's important to me, he'll give it a try. I'd suggest doing all the legwork you can ahead of time. I know that I get really irked when my DH says "hey, let's do this" and then I end up doing all the planning and work involved. I love the idea of doing something different, especially if all I have to do is show up [

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rwbeagles

Posted : 12/12/2006 4:40:30 PM

Dunno, that's a toughie. My DH isn't really involved in the dog thing, so much as he's the chauffer and treasurer...lol. I have never asked it of him because I know it's not what he would choose to do. He does listen to my endless prattle about this dog or that....this placement or that...and of course, he drives me for hours and hours at ungodly hours of the morning.

What kinds of things that he does...do you feel YOU can get interested in? I do the gaming thing with my DH, watch sports probably more than he does, lol...and try to get into or at least keep tabs on, various TV programmes he watches so we can have something to talk about besides the kids. I also make sure that at least 2wice a month we go out...just us two.

I think it's about both of you...not just him...try to find something on both sides that could use some participation from the other and go for it!

As an aside, I can honestly say...nothing aside from Schutzhund, and perhaps hunting, in the casual/competitive dog world has "ever" struck me as something your average man would enjoy...and that's being brutally honest.

Catherine

Posted : 12/12/2006 4:46:33 PM

My boyfriend is a mix between your husband, Cressida, and Laura's husband. He is very supportive of all the activities and training that I do with my dog, and always wants to know how he is doing, but it's like pulling teeth to actually get him to join in the activities. I don't have two dogs so I can't help there, but I can give suggestions w/ the husband's resistance portion:

1. I started doing agility with my dog and a friend and her dog. The other night we decided the boys should come and observe and then we would go out for drinks/dinner afterwards. My boyfriend was totally up for that. They just observed the class but low and behold my boyfriend offered to hang out at the next class, too.

2. If it is really really important to you, tell him that. When something is really important to me, I sit him down and really explain how frustrated and hurt I am that he does not want to participate or do something that is really important to me. Usually he then sees the error of his ways [

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3. I also have to take his perspective. What if he constantly wanted me to go to poker tournaments or play video games or watch historical high school football games on tv? I might try them, but honestly it's not my idea of fun. And he respects that. Just have to pick and choose . . .

4. Do you have a dogless friend that might enjoy handling Conrad during the tracking? I know it's not the same as your husband, but at least Conrad could be involved and you would be hanging out with a friend. Or see if other husbands/S.O.s want to just observe, your husband could hang out with them, and you could first track with Marlowe and then give it a go with Conrad. More work on your part, but at least they would both get the chance.

Also, I think part of the reason my boyfriend doesn't like the activities is that he feels inept at them. Well, he doesn't really like them either, but it's also just not as easy for him to learn the stuff as it is for me.

Good luck!

Scout in Canada

Posted : 12/13/2006 7:11:23 AM

Yeah that's frustrating. We don't have 2 dogs but regardless, it is a pain in the rear end when DH won't take part in the training classes or 'research'. Because then when I try to explain to him what we learned and what he needs to be doing to keep consistent with the training, he argues!

But anyway....

I just go on my own to these events, and then I come home and marvel about how fun it was, how well she did, etc. It usually lures him into wanting to see for himself. Or could you just guilt trip him by saying "I really think both dogs would love it, but since I can't handle both on my own I guess Conrad will miss out..... poor Conrad...."

mrv

Posted : 12/13/2006 7:35:20 AM

Well we have had dogs since we were married. David went through one dog training class with "the old fat dog" when she was 12 and I was taking the new dobe puppy to classes. That was 1977. He would go to dog shows with me when I was in competition and to walk around and look, so figure that was 3to 5 weekends within a year. He didn't start doing dog show sport stuff until 2003. He still does not train or compete. But he builds courses, helps transport and rangle sheep, etc.

My real solution, I found him a hobby. I got him sailing lessons for Christmas one year. He has two boats, a mini fish he sails by himself and a Mutineer we sail together. We plan to do different sailing vacations. That is how I finally managed to deal with my guilt that I had a hobby and friends with shared interests.

BTW we have three dogs. I will often take one dog to a class or event, but do the activities with all of them. Young dogs get obedience training, the older dogs go to the "lets learn something new". Sometimes I take both dogs and alternate them.

tashakota

Posted : 12/13/2006 9:18:01 AM

Try 4 dogs and DH won't do anything with them.

We have 4 dogs and I have done competitive agility with 3 of them. I have not registered Shadow because she is "his" dog and I just don't want to try and do 4. My BF will go to trials with me and help me out on the course if I ask, but that's about it. He did run Tasha in her last Jumpers run for me just to see how she and he would do. He thought it was fun.

But what I do is take the 3 and alternate with them. There are times when I wish I'd just stuck with one dog for training and such so that I didn't feel bad dividing my time with them, but I felt worse about *not* taking them. And it actually works out because I can train longer than any of the dogs, so changing between the dogs works out in that they don't get "overtrained" and we stop when they're fresh, but I can keep going with the next dog.

Also, my BF has gotten more involved lately with free-shaping exercises in the house. We used a theraball the other day and he offered to work with 2 of them instead of me doing all 4. And with the step-stool last night, he also did 2 of them. So it's growing on him.

So those of you who have two dogs but only one person who really works with them much, how do you handle this issue?

I would work both dogs so they both get the exercise and mental stimulation. But then again for me, just having 2 dogs would be nice to worry about. [

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And for those of you with a spouse who doesn't take nearly as much interest in the dogs as you, how do you deal with that?

He has his hobbies and I have mine. I do some stuff that is related to his hobby and he does some stuff that is related to mine. I wish he would get into agility but I also realize it's just not his thing. He supports my hobby and I support his. Doesn't mean I have to get involved in his and vice versa. [

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dogslyfe

Posted : 12/13/2006 9:26:24 AM

He has his hobbies and I have mine.

Excellent point! So does my DH... he plays guitar, golf, softball, and playstation/gamecube. I go to his softball games, and play video games with him some, and he comes to dog events with me some. It's a nice trade, and I don't feel bad doing stuff because I know he has plenty of his own stuff to do!

houndlove

Posted : 12/13/2006 9:38:38 AM

Thanks for your input everyone!

I think the primary thing that was bugging me is that I'm not the only one who benefits from my hobby of the dogs. He gets a major bonus in that the dogs are happy, exercised and well-trained, yet he's done pretty much nothing to get that. So, I do all the work, but he gets a lot of the benefits! No fair! [&:]

We each have a ton of hobbies and at this point I don't think there's an overlap at all in them! He takes martial arts classes and collects comic books, and I support those activities while not (usually) participating in them. I was just so hoping that this could be something that could be a hobby we both had because it seems like every time one of us develops a new interest, it is something that the other is totally uninterested in. Oh well.

I think I will start with Marlowe, learn the basics of tracking with him, and then switch to Conrad and have him learn the basics, and then rotate them week to week. Trying to get a friend who didn't have a dog but who was interested in doing this was a good idea, but I don't think it's an option. Most of my friends are just beyond busy and probably wouldn't be all that interested anyway. Maybe I'll meet someone at the tracking club who likes to do it but has a dog who doesn't have the aptitude and they can Rent-A-Hound.