Neighbor kids stealing

If you feel like being the substitute parent, could you sit down and have a serious talk about why stealing is wrong and how they really hurt your feelings that they betrayed your trust? I know for me as a kid at least it never occurred to me that my actions could have any effect on adults' lives until one day when my mother sat me down and very seriously told me how my throwing a fit instead of going to bed nicely made her very sad. I felt pretty bad about it and never did it again. I'm guessing since they play at your house and don't have much parental involvement they probably respect you a good deal and what you say might actually carry some weight. (Of course, not knowing them, it's hard to say!)

Oh gosh, Cita - why wasn't that my first thought?! I guess I was just too hurt and frustrated to think clearly. There has been a ton of other stuff going on right now, and this was just the icing on the cake. I'll try doing just that. I think I was too worried about "accusing" the wrong kid with a face to face talk. I can still talk to *all* of them about how this has hurt me and my trust in them.

It was hubby's idea not to allow them over anymore. He isn't as tolerant of them as I am. I hate to completely shun them, simply because that isn't going to teach them anything. But I do know they enjoy playing at our house, and that there are rules and expectations that must be followed if they want to spend time with our family. They need a good role model but it is hard to figure out how far you can go with kids that aren't yours.

Also,

with those kids who don't get love / support at home -- they are expecting to not be approved of and loved, so why bothering acting in a manner that would support being loved and accepted?  I expect it was no surprise to them to be rejected in this way b/c they expect it.  Maybe they act out in a manner that is going to support their theory of being rejected.

I think you have a wonderful opportunity to show them love and acceptance - with boundaries. I also vote for explaining to all of them how much it hurt you.  I would explain that you care about them and that you want them to be welcome in your home - but that you expect better behavoiur of them b/c you know and believe that they are better than that and can act better.  I think for the kids sake, you should make the effort to forgive and still show them love.   But, this time with set boundary rules.  Clearly explain to them what is and what is not acceptable behavour.  Ask each and every one to repeat back to you what it is you expect out of them.  And ask each and every one what they expect their own behavour to be. Explain what the consequences will be if more theft or any vandelism or anything else you specify were to happen.  Let them know that it will hurt you deeply if it happens again, but you will have no choice but to enforce rules of restriction if anything amiss were to happen again.  Then let them know that you still care very much for them.  That caring and disipline and responsibilty are all one package.  That if you care, you will set boundaries and expect them to live up to those expectations.

I am so sorry this happened.  I do think you are a rare bright spot in their lives, and they were "testing" and pushing b/c they expected the worst to happen anyway.

I would still be cautious of not just the money, but also the kids and dogs in the house.  I would be extremely watchful.  But your giving these kids another chance and caring about them enough to explain to them what was wrong, setting limits, and then still telling them that even after this, you still care for them might make such a difference to them.  I hope so.....I hope they will understand what you are saying and accept those rules and then they can still have a place to be welcomed.  Do be cautious, but do consider giving them another chance at being "part of your family".  This may be a turning point for them.  I do hope things work out.......
 
edited:  I guess what I am trying to say is that people live up to the expectations that others have for them. Their parents apparently don't care enough to have high expectations, so why would their actions be different?  B/c the role model for them has been low expectations.  But, you have the opportunity to love them thru showing them that you still  care and showing them that you expect better and more of them than they are currently showing.  Let them know that they are capable of behaving in an acceptable manner and that they are worth loving.  You know, if you are raised in a home where you are not loved, then you don't expect to be loved.  So, let them know that they are loveable and because you care for them, then you will expect them to behaviour in an appropriate manner where they respect you and your property as much as you respect them and their stuff. Let them know it's a two way street -- you care for them and would not violate that trust and you expect them to respect you and not violate your trust in them.

I'll be the bad guy.  I'll sound like a crotchety old geezer for saying it, but half the reason people get so screwed up these days is there are no consequences for what people do.  They have no boundaries or rules, when they break them its never their fault, and someone always gives them another chance.  Just once if people would put their foot down, it could be the healthiest thing that ever happened. 

ORIGINAL: KCSO

I'll be the bad guy. I'll sound like a crotchety old geezer for saying it, but half the reason people get so screwed up these days is there are no consequences for what people do. They have no boundaries or rules, when they break them its never their fault, and someone always gives them another chance. Just once if people would put their foot down, it could be the healthiest thing that ever happened.

I agree. But I have very little patience with people who don't act civilly (is that even a word?).

I think I'll go with a "tough love" combo. I'll explain how this has hurt and upset me and caused me not to trust them. But I will give them a chance to earn my trust back. For now, they're staying outside. If they behave themselves then I'll let them play inside again. If anything like this happens again - they're outta here.