Dog Community

How to help a friend in need...sort of long

Posted : 2/5/2007 10:31:05 AM

So I got a phone call from a friend of mine on Friday night. She was hysterical, telling me that her husband had just walked out and told her that he wanted a divorce. She and I have been friends for about a year and a half, but not super close. We get together on occasion and send the occasional email. But I came to find out that aside from me, she has no other friends in Virginia. She has no family here, and her husband is in the Navy.

I was really at a loss for words. I kept telling her that I was so sorry, that she would get through this, and that I was here for her. Aside from that, I didn't really know what to say. They have been having some problems getting along for the last few months, but I didn't see this coming. I have never been through this kind of thing with a friend. I have offered to come and pick her up and take her to our house - I told her that she's welcome to stay as long as she needs to. I don't think it's healthy for her to sit in her house alone and cry. She needs to be with someone. I would go and stay with her, but we've got the dogs, and DH is gone on a training mission on his ship all of this week. She doesn't want to leave because she's afraid that she'll miss him when he comes home. Plus, she has two cats that she doesn't want to leave. She's afraid that he'll change the locks or move out while she's gone. Apparently, he's made some nasty threats since he told her he wanted the divorce. He hasn't been back home since Friday night.

I really don't know what else to do for her, and I am really feeling helpless for her. She calls me every few hours just sobbing, and I don't know what else to do aside from being a listening ear. I gave her the numbers for the Fleet and Family Support Center on base so she can get in touch with a military lawyer, as well as some numbers for marriage therapists. But she hasn't called to make any appointments. I completely understand that she's totally overwhelmed right now, but at the same time, she really needs to get her ducks in a row and plan for what she's going to do.

I feel like I've done all that I can do...any other suggestions from anyone on how to help her get through this?

g33

Posted : 2/5/2007 10:38:07 AM

Wow, that is a tough situation to be in - for you and of course for her.

How about taking the extra step and putting some of the contacts you've given her, in touch with HER? As opposed to leaving it in her court to initiate stuff. She might be confronted with the reality of the situation and understandably overwhelmed...and since this isn't her choice she may just not want to take the steps that she needs to. A compassionate professional might be able to help move her along, and it would take some of the burden off of you as her only confidant and ally in the situation.

glenmar

Posted : 2/5/2007 10:40:48 AM

I agree that she needs to get those ducks in a row, and maybe it would be helpful if you went over for a few hours and sat with her while she makes the phone calls.

What you shouldn't do is agree with her that he is a total bastard not worthy of being called a piece of poop. He may well be those things, BUT, if they reconcile, which could happen, you will become the enemy as she will remember every last word you said against him, and HE will think you are a troublemaking jerk who tried to destroy his marriage.

You can't really make this better for her. You can be "there" to love and support her, make sure that she is eating and taking care of herself, and sadly, that's about all you can do for her. This is her pain and you can't take it for her.

marty_ga

Posted : 2/5/2007 10:54:04 AM

I would also suggest calling the base chaplain and ask him to make a visit to talk.

MissMandy

Posted : 2/5/2007 3:02:06 PM

Thanks for the replies. She talked to her mom about everything today, who I'm guessing got her a little more motivated than I could have, so she has gotten in touch with the chaplain, as well as made an appointent with a marriage therapist for later this afternoon. It sounds as though she's on the right track.

Thanks for all of your suggestions and replies. I will be going over to her house later, just to keep her company for a while.