probe1957
Posted : 8/24/2006 10:48:26 AM
Changing diapers will be your biggest challenge. Wet diapers are no big deal but poopy diapers can cause even the toughest person to puke, for hours on end. The actual handling of the diaper USUALLY isn't too bad, but cleaning up the baby can be a major challenge, if you don't know how to do it. Thank gawd you asked ahead of time and thank gawd I am here to advise you.
Here are a few pointers for you to keep in mind. Feel free to print this out and take it to the job with you.
1. Baby poop is classified by EPA as a hazardous material. You must wear chemical protective gear and a respirator. EPA regulations for handling baby poop are very similar to their regulations for handling asbestos. Serious personal injury or death can result from touching this stuff or inhaling the vapor. Please, be careful.
2. Many parents never bothered to purchase a baby poop detector, even though EPA regulations require them to be installed in homes built after 1986. These detectors work a lot like carbon monoxide detectors. At the first whiff of baby poop, they are designed to hermitically seal the area and to automatically dial the appropriate government agency, who will dispatch people trained to deal with this type of emergency. You need to assume that the parents of the baby you will be sitting do not have a detector. You need to assume this for your own safety.
3. At the first whiff of baby poop, you need to take IMMEDIATE action. Do not hesitate. Time is of the essence here. Failure to react immediately may result in catastrophic and explosive failure of the diaper. If this happens a 12 square mile area will be declared uninhabitable for, at least, 25 years. The "immediate action" referred to here will be described starting with step 4.
4. The very first thing you want to do is to put on your chemical protective gear and your respirator.
5. Very carefully, place the contaminated baby into a 55 gallon, reinforced, garbage bag. Seal the bag at the top. Take this bag and put it into another, identical bag. Seal it at the top. In essence, what you are doing here, is double bagging the contaminated baby. This is very important, not just for your personal safety, but for the safety of everyone in the United States.
6. The health of baby is now in a bit of jeopardy. Not a big deal because his parents can always make more babies, but you should accept the responsibility of doing what you can. You must move fast. Load the baby in the car and head for the nearest car wash. Do yourself a favor and find out where the closest car wash is ahead of time.
7. Remove the baby from the trash bags and CAREFULLY remove his diaper. Place all of these items in the approved, "Poopy Baby Stuff" disposal device. All car washes are required to have these devices. Oh, by the way, no matter how tempting, it is illegal to put the baby in this disposal device.
8. There will be a contraption in the carwash that many people use to hang their floor mats on to wash them. Find this contraption. It will usually be on the wall. Clamp the baby in this, by his toes, butt facing out.
9. Put the necessary amount of quarters into the slot. Set the carwash on HIGH PRESSURE WASH, and wash the baby. In extreme circumstance, you might also have to use the brush thing, but this isn't common. Usually, the high pressure wash will take care of this unpleasant chore.
10. You may now remove your protective gear and handle the baby as normal. Please call the authorities and have them issue an "all clear."
It has been a long time since I have changed a poopy diaper because I am old, but I am pretty certain what I have described here is how it is done. Things may have changed though. Perhaps someone with more recent experience will be along to clarify things.