What is the polite thing to do? (TheDogHouse)

That was nice of her to invite you in and to send food home for everyone.  Maybe next time you could take her something like a small bouquet of flowers or some cookies.  That would give you a legit reason for going to the door with your DH and maybe, just maybe, the grandmother will continue to be nice.  If you don't get a warm (or at least neutral) reception, don't sweat it and go back to waiting in the car. 

 Why do people have to be such buttheads when all they have to do is act like civilized people and extend basic courtesies to the people in the children's life?   Good luck, Steph and don't let them get you down. 

oh boy , been there done THISI!!   Not sure that you'll win. 

How comfortably were you greeted last time?  It was definitely nice of her to invite you in so you didn't have a prolonged wait in the car alone. 

You probably will get along better if you don't TRY to do the same thing every time. 

You may be able to get away with something like having your husband say 'Steph says 'Hi'.  She came with me to pick Heather up, but wanted to say "Hi". 

When you DO go in, you can duck out with the excuse "I'm going to go back out to the car -- I'm going to walk for a minute in front to work the kinks out of my pregnant legs. Nice seeing you!!"

I doubt "gram" will mind if you avoid Heather's Mom and she probably wants to avoid you.  (there's something about knowing an ex spouse is having a baby with his new wife that sets everyone's teeth on edge.  Gram probably wanted to check it out and make sure it was "true".

But if she's been even half sociable, things like asking for the recipe she used for whatever she shared with you NEVER hurts.  Or if there is some thing Heather has mentioned that Gram makes that she likes -- ASK about it.  It carries a subtle "I'm not trying to take you away from ALL your family's influence" message that can be helpful.  Just little things like "Heather always mentions how GOOD your chocolate chip cookies are -- what recipe do you use?  I'm always up for a good cookie recipe!"

In other words -- families get really a bit scared of how the kid talks about them in their absence -- you don't have to talk a mile a minute, but little stuff like "Heather said you got a new picnic table.  She's right -- it DOES make a nice place to have supper!!" 

An olive branch may not always BE an olive branch, but treating it as such (gently) can be a wise move.  But that doesn't mean you have to change your entire plan/protocol and become Ms. Social either.  But going to the door with a smile, and letting THEM see you greet Heather isn't a bad thing.

Pregnancy will give you an easy out -- particularly as the weather gets nasty and icey.  But I used to take MY cue by how I was received in the home.  We had MUCH the same situation with my ex's boy.  The boy used to want to come and stay with us -- the girl wanted NO PART of men nor her Dad.  She came a couple of times and was miserable and made MY life miserable, so we didn't force her to come and visit. 

But it was the same sort of situaiton -- do I go to the house or do I stay IN our car.  But when Chris's Mom made a point to come out to the car with him, I always made a point to talk to her for a while, and ask after "things" in general mostly to let her know that every word that came out of Chris's mouth while he was with us wasn't negative.  (It was but he was generally just a negative kid, but I knew it was him and not ALL mom's fault.)

Nothing is set in stone here -- you'll probably need to feel your way thru things.

JackieG

Maybe next time you could take her something like a small bouquet of flowers or some cookies.  That would give you a legit reason for going to the door with your DH and maybe, just maybe, the grandmother will continue to be nice.  If you don't get a warm (or at least neutral) reception, don't sweat it and go back to waiting in the car. 

REALLY good suggestions from Jackie -- like I said, sometimes an "olive branch" may not really be one, but treating it as such can do more good than you know. 

Usually when everyone's been acting like a butthead, everyone is operating out of their own fear as well.  Trying to begin to defuse that isn't easy -- and the daughter may make herself scarce if she thinks Mom's going to try to be less adversarial.  Cookies or flowers could be a darned good idea.

I agree with Jackie.

It's not really about winning, more about trying to make things as amicable as possible because of Hannah. Steph, you only have half the responsibility in this, so keep doing the best you can. Hannah will remember you for it.

I probably wouldn't bring anything, personally. I would go in so I could compliment her cooking, ask for the recipe if she doesn't mind (assuming it wasn't hamburger helper lol) and voice my appreciation for the meal she gave you last time. I do not like to appear to buying anyone's favor but a genuine gesture of appreciation can be as simple as a thank you. Assuming the food was good, ;) you would not be lying and honestly someone complimenting my cooking or asking me for a recipe is about as nice as flowers (and lasts longer, too). Some people, once you bring them "something" will come to expect that every time and then you end up in a cycle of resentment. I would just stick to words, kind one's and make it obvious you came to the door specifically to compliment her. If she doesn't have the recipe handy, well guess what, next time you can go in AGAIN to fetch it :)

rwbeagles

I do not like to appear to buying anyone's favor but a genuine gesture of appreciation can be as simple as a thank you. Assuming the food was good, ;) you would not be lying and honestly someone complimenting my cooking or asking me for a recipe is about as nice as flowers (and lasts longer, too). Some people, once you bring them "something" will come to expect that every time and then you end up in a cycle of resentment

I don't believe that making a nice reciprocal gesture is thought as buying someone's favor.  The idea that people will come to expect something every time sounds just a little paranoid to me but hey, I'm of a different generation so that could be why we look at this kind of thing differently. 

Personally I would drop a short and sweet thank you.  Just a note thanking her for the dinner.   I am big on handwritten (not txt not phone call) notes.  This does sound like at least Grandma is opening up to a cordial relationship.   I have never had that problem with my ex or my DH's ex.  We have always tolerated each other.  Often go to weddings, graduations, birthdays together.  This makes it easier on the kids and grandkids and that is how I like it.  We dont socialize in the same circles but my kids Dad and his wife are very nice and easy to be around

Jackie, bear in mind where I'm coming from, my hubs has divorced parents and he's told me some interesting things about what was said on both sides. Both are completely cordial now and can even be at parties and functions and such together BUT... In a complicated situation like in-laws and kids being shared, and prior history of all parties not being kind at times, its best to stick to uncomplicated. "Paranoia" and over analyzing of what gifts "mean" can absolutely lead to issues. I don't know Steph's situation intimately, if there's some "stuff" with the Hannah's mom, and this is her mother's home, were it me I would not want anything I bought on display in the house of her mother simply because I have seen my own MIL refuse to allow her husband to eat cookies made by his ex wife...my other MIL. It gets THAT bad at times. Again...no idea what the deal is here...but having heard what I have and seen some of it first hand I know that a kind word offered to a person spoken from the heart is sometimes the safest option LOL.

And I will amend my statements with: I have grown up in all sorts of dysfunctional situations, ranging from mildly odd, to full blown abusive. This has led to me being hyper-aware of what MIGHT possibly set people off, what their buttons are, and how to avoid pushing them...or how TO push them if that is required. I think things thru about 10 ways to Sunday before I do them when another family member is involved. I have certifiable people in my immediate and extended family (which might be me included or not, depending on the day), including on the hubs side. I have to deal with people who if you say the wrong thing, give the wrong gift or sympathize with the wrong person...WILL have an absolute meltdown that will have you suffering PTSD yourself inside 30 minutes. So, there ya go. LOL. Caution first, in all things...keeps me afloat. Your mileage, may vary.

rwbeagles

Jackie, bear in mind where I'm coming from, my hubs has divorced parents and he's told me some interesting things about what was said on both sides.

 I lived it too, Gina, and I know firsthand just how ugly the adults can get in these situations and the pain the children feel when the adults act like vicious idiots. 

 Thanks for the thoughts everyone.  The input has been helpful to see it from different perspectives. I've been turning it over in my head so many times, possibly "over thinking" it, but then again maybe not.  Including the "give a return edible" "no they may interpret it wrongly" argument.

Wish it could just be simple....

This weekend coming up is our weekend, so I have plenty of time to continue mulling it over.  Right now I'm leaning toward going in next time (assuming we pick her up at the grandmother's again, and hopefully the mother isn't there) with a sincere thank you/it was great and maybe something to give in return, haven't decided about that yet.  Then from that hopeful I can gauge whether I should continue coming in or just go back to staying in the car. 

As has been said a few times, it really isn't about trying to "win" more just trying to get through w/ as little trauma to all involved, especially to Hannah.  And Tina, thank you for the reminder that the responsibility to be cordial is split between both parties, sometimes its easy to let it feel like sole responsibility.

 Not that I have ever dealt with anything like this, but I think it would be appropriate to go in or at least go up to the door next time in order to give your thanks for the meal personally. If you detect an attitude, go back to waiting in the car. Maybe she was trying to extend the olive branch to you, or maybe she just cooked a ton of food and wanted to get rid of some of it. For all we know, maybe the way she was raised, it would have been rude to send food for one person and not send along enough for everyone. I think though if you go up to the house the next time, unless you are told to continue coming in, if you don't absolutely feel like you are welcome to continue doing so, you can stay in the car the next time, and let them call the shots in terms of extending the invitation for you to continue to do so. Maybe I missed it somewhere, but what did Chad say to do, or is he not overthinking this as much as all of us females are?

griffinej5

 Not that I have ever dealt with anything like this, but I think it would be appropriate to go in or at least go up to the door next time in order to give your thanks for the meal personally. If you detect an attitude, go back to waiting in the car. Maybe she was trying to extend the olive branch to you, or maybe she just cooked a ton of food and wanted to get rid of some of it. For all we know, maybe the way she was raised, it would have been rude to send food for one person and not send along enough for everyone. I think though if you go up to the house the next time, unless you are told to continue coming in, if you don't absolutely feel like you are welcome to continue doing so, you can stay in the car the next time, and let them call the shots in terms of extending the invitation for you to continue to do so. Maybe I missed it somewhere, but what did Chad say to do, or is he not overthinking this as much as all of us females are?

I would probably go up to the door, but not inside without an explicit invitation. If they seem to stiffen up and not appreciate you being at the door, you can excuse yourself by saying something like, "I just wanted to thank you again for the meal, we really enjoyed it and it was so sweet of you. I have a couple of phone calls I need to make in the car, so I hope you won't think it too rude of me if I don't stay, I just wanted to say thank you again!" And then you can go hide in the car!

Honestly, in messy divorce cases, there is often no right answer. Flowers might be well received, they might be seen as an insult and thrown in the trash. Staying in the car might be insulting, going inside the house might be invasive. Basically, they are going to feel however they're going to feel - make your best effort, and beyond that, "Oh well" goes a long way. All that matters is you are doing your best and not getting dragged down in petty bickering. You are doing that part for YOU and your family, not for them, so how they respond doesn't really matter!

/Child of messy divorce

/Parents were pretty awful about it

/Really appreciated when they did try to be civil, even if the other parent flipped out anyway

 Jen, you pretty much hit the nail on the head w/ Chad.  He doesn't think it needs nearly so much thinking about.

Cita, you make great points, thank you.