Separating from DH

You're absolutely right that no one can really offer guidance.  While I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, I also believe that we all have to look deep inside ourselves for the true answers.  Staying in my first marriage because of my beliefs caused me a lot of physical and emotional pain, and damaged my little boys.  Sometimes it can't be fixed.  And even if it can, you BOTH have to want to try or it doesn't work.

The best I can offer is lots of hugs and a shoulder when you need it.

I have no real advice but we're just like you - together since 17, married at 20 and we're now 27. Baby born in may LOL. Definitely having a baby has changed our relationship, we spend almost no time together anymore since I go to sleep with Sophie at 7 and dh doesn't get home until 5 and we have dinner, bath, etc. I suspect it will change again when I go back to work. So if we didn't have a good relationship there's no way having a baby would help, it's been very tiring, trying and stressful in between all the happy times. It also took us a year to get pregnant so we've been there too, that's very stressful by itself. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what you want. Any time I personally wonder if we did the right thing getting married at 20, I ask myself what else I would want in a husband - and there's never anything of substance that I'm wanting for, my dh is a super great guy and i would be hard pressed to find someone who fits my ideosyncrasies (sp?) as well as him. But if that's not enough for you, you don't want to regret staying or wonder " what if " for the rest of your life. I personally don't miss being free or want to be on my own, though. You'll just have to trust our heart.

georgie4682

This has been the hardest decision of my life, and I think I'm doing the right thing, but it's so scary.

It is such a hard decision and frightening to think of making a new and different life.  I do think you have a good idea about getting some counseling as you go through this.  If you could get your DH to do the same he would benefit too but I realize that's not something you can make happen if he's resistant.  In the end, none of us can change other people no matter how much we care about them. 

I've been married a long long time.  We've gone through some very rough spots and I've had times when I felt like I would be happier if we weren't married.  What it always came down to for me was that I couldn't imagine my life without my DH in it, even though he sometimes makes me crazy. 

I think it's important for every person to live life as their own person. Never having lived on your own, I completely understand how important that is for you and your happiness.  When I left home at age 18, I was a wild thing and don't know how I survived some of the stupid stuff I did.  But I learned how strong I was and that I could take care of myself and survive my poor decisions and learn from them.  It's something every woman needs and many never experience.  Whether you do it as a young woman or at any other age or stage in your life, it's liberating and healthy.

I wish you all the strength I know you'll need as you move through this change.  You can't make anyone else happy until you can make yourself happy.  Keep that thought uppermost in your mind.  ((((((hugs)))))   My shoulder is always available too if you need it. 

Sure, it all makes 'sense'.  i am just really sorry you're having to go thru all of this, but in many ways these things are simply part of growing and maturing and becoming the person you are meant to be.

I suspect you both need to do some growing.    Sounds like he battles depression and insecurity (it's the insecurity that makes him follow you all around, and frankly if there is ONE THING destined to kill all of your feelings it is that and he hasn't a clue). 

**Both** of you need counselling -- and probably not together at first.  Not the same counsellor -- you both need to be able to be honest without wondering what the counsellor will tell the other person. And you both have to work on being whole people before you can have a healthy relationship. 

 Re-learning how to 'deal' with each other isn't easy, particularly when lots of changes have to be made.  You have changes too -- you're seeing that in the fact that you perceive you never learned to be 'single' -- you went right from 'kid' to 'married'.   Being on your own is an 'art' in and of itself.

Keep one thing in mind -- use caution.  If you leave, whether or not he seeks counselling on his own -- he **will** change, and that can sometimes take on a scarey form.  If he's desperate about you not 'leaving' -- if you DO leave, that could turn really ugly.  You may think it's clear that you are simply leaving to "find yourself" but a majority of husbands in that situation will still think there "has to be" someone else.  They may never admit it to your face, nor mention it ... but often they can act on it.

Don't allow the opportunity for him to 'spy' on you (it is a natural male thing to do -- and it gets ugly fast).

1.  Go Monday and open a checking/savings account ALONE.  Different bank/credit union if possible.  You can't be on your own without money -- and it's all too easy for money to suddenly become a source of contention - even between "friends" (and he'll have to earn that right, just as you will to him)  It's honestly better if he doesn't even know about it.  You can 'tell' him later if you want to -- but you can never UN-tell him should you suddenly find out games are being played.

2.   Go to the post office and get a PO Box -- they aren't expensive.  Don't put his name on it.  But DO contact anyone you 'pay' (credit cards, insurance, whatever) and ask that everything be sent to the PO Box.

Bottom line -- my 'ex' and I parted "friends" I thot.  In fact he lived here in the house for 3 months to save enough money to get into an apartment, etc. 

I found out months later that he was stealing checks (reimbursement checks from insurance, birthday money in cards, etc.) right out of the mailbox. 

My ex, who resembled a jolly teddy bear turned into someone I couldn't even imagine.  That all happened AFTER we separated. 

I'm not saying your husband is a bad man --but like I said above -- you can always change your mind later, but you can never "un-tell" or "un-do" something that's protecting you like your own money and mail. 

My ex -- months and months later - tried to put his name on my utilities (to get my power, etc. shut off).  "control".  You may think he's "not like that" -- but you're about to change the whole game plan.  Just be careful.

 

I am so sorry you are going though all of this.  I don't have a lot of advice, except you need to do what you think is best for you.  However, remember the vow through good times and bad.  This may be just a bad time.  Although, you can't live your life unhappy.  Think of ways where you can separate yourself from the "us" by doing stuff alone. We each need our alone time in order to appreciate the together time.

Sadly, I understand exactly what you're going through. I met my ex when I was 15 and married him when I was 18. He was my whole world. It wasn't until I was in my late 30s that things unraveled. I attribute it to my changing jobs, traveling for work a lot and just generally sort of blossoming. I just felt a physical and mental confidence I'd never felt before. I started pulling away and the more I did, the clingier he got until I wanted to run away and hide. It was an awful time. We went into counseling together but the counselor actually seemed to encourage me to spread my wings. Understandably, that didn't make for very good couple's counseling but it was the encouragement I wanted and I moved out. I was on my own for the 1st time in my life and I panicked. I spent a lot of time crying my eyes out. I was scared but determined to tough it out. I felt horribly guilty about what I was putting my ex through (I still do and it's been almost 20 yrs). He actually told me he'd had a plan to kill himself. He didn't but I knew he'd considered it seriously. It was just about the worst time I can imagine going through and I wish I could tell you it was worth it. I love my husband but if I had it to do over again, I'd have stayed and worked on it. There was nothing seriously wrong with the marriage. I partied pretty hard for a year or so after we divorced and I had some fun times but quickly found myself missing married life. There's a lot to be said about some of the comforts of marriage and sharing your life with someone. I will say that no one could have talked me off the path I was on and it may be the same for you. It also might be the absolute best decision for you and ultimately for your husband but I agree that counseling is a must. You'll need someone you can trust to sort through the wide range of emotions you must be feeling. Take extra good care of yourself and know that we're all here to lend our shoulders to lean or cry on. (((Hugs)))

I know you will do what is best for you, Georgie. I'm also a member of the BTDT club and I am still single and much stronger since my divorce 14 years ago. I've even gotten smarter about ending crappy relationships before they get too far off the ground. Currently my goal is to take care of me, work on my house, move my son out, and get a dog. The adult toy store is only about 2 miles away, thankfully.

ROFLMBO!!!!  Geeze Tina!

Georgie, wishing you all the best. I completely understand the need to sort of strike off on your own. BF and I started dating when we were 18, went to college together, lived together for a few years, and now are doing grad school apart. I hate it in a lot of ways, but I do think it's really good for our relationship for each of us to re-discover how to live "by ourselves" a bit. To remember that we are still 2 independent people. Maybe if you are able to do the same, and start living an independent life for a while, you and your husband will be able to patch things up (if that's what you decide you want). If you both are able to grow up a little bit as individuals, without the closeclose interdependence of physical proximity, maybe you both will bloom and re-ignite the flames of what brought you together in the first place. And, even if that doesn't happen, at least you will still feel you are being true to yourself and what you need. I hate to see a partnership break up, but I wish you both all the best. I'm sure this is a horribly difficult time, but no matter what happens it WILL get better!

(((Georgie)))

Georgie, I'm wishing you clarity and peace with your decisions.  Yours is the third story in 3 days I've heard of wives looking to leave the marriage to experience the world differently.  Not because their husbands are bad or not good for them, just because they want something different/have grown apart/she feels resentful of whatever her life was supposed to be that isn't, perhaps because of him.

Two of those stories resulted in the wives wishing they hadn't left.  The other is very glad to be on her own.  Every person and relationship is individual.. to you, your space in your time in your life.  Counseling is a very wise idea.  Maybe it will help your DH understand that his actions could be pushing you further away.

((hugs))

 I have no words of wisdom, just support for you. :)