(sorry if this isn't new, I don't remember seeing it)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pavlov: we fed the chicken on the opposite side of
the road each day at 4 p.m. until the chicken’s autonomic system
actually began causing the chicken to cross the road at 4 p.m. without
even questioning the “why.”
B.F. Skinner: on prior occasions when the chicken
voluntarily crossed the road, this behavior was followed immediately by
a reinforcing consequence.
Cesar Milan: I hissed at, pointed, poked, and intimidated the chicken until it raced across the road, because I am a strong leader…
Barbara Woodhouse: You just say, “Walkies” with the right accent and place a crumpet on the other side of the road…
Karen Pryor: by associating R+ with road crossing
and P+ with standing still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward
in keeping with the Premack principle, we increased the intensity and
frequency of the road crossing behavior.
Bill Koehler: a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken was happy to cross the road.
Patti Ruzzo: I crossed the road, pausing every step
to spit a treat out of my mouth like a human pez dispenser and the
chicken followed along catching the treats.
Electric Collar Advocate: whenever the chicken does
not cross the road I give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the
shock is no more than you would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing
socks and it does not bother the chicken at all. The feathers standing
up and the smell of burning flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are
happier having nice clear communication than they would be otherwise.
Yuppie: chickens are just like little people in
feather jackets, and if you love them and give them diamonds and feel
sorry for them all the time, they will be happy to cross the road for
you.
Paris Hilton: Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it. And that’s hot!
HSUS member: I do not know anything about animals, I
have never been around animals and am not really fond of animals, but
we passed a law mandating that chickens be kept without cages because
animals belong only in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with
man, so now they are walking wherever they want.
PETA member: chickens have the right to live in
world without roads. Any chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a
road is suffering an inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by
a car so we should kill it today to ensure that it does not die
tomorrow.