Those who know me will have seen my recent Facebook update re the oldest member of the crew, the teddy bear also known as Alfie. My constant companion for over 13 years is now getting old and health complications are starting to grow in severity. Recent ‘wobbles’ resulting in him falling over out of the blue were originally thought to be small strokes but after a particularly bad day last week I suspected something different was going on. I wasn’t seeing a lot of the after-effects of a stroke: the head held at an odd angle, perhaps the eyes rolling or anything that suggested some brain trauma. Just an old and stiff dog who couldn’t feel his back end at times and would sway and land hard with a grunt.  I called the vet out and used the waiting time to do some washing and tidying.

He’s a lovely vet is Chris. I updated him with things I had seen and he gave Alfie another check over. He said he could unfortunately hear a heart murmur and started talking about having an ECG done. We chatted and I pointed out that this had come on rather rapidly. Was this normal? He said he would have another listen and could I switch my washing machine off as it was really rather noisy. Turns out the washing machine must have a heart murmur as Alfie doesn’t!

However. It looks as if Alfie’s past is creeping up to ‘bite him on the bum’ as they say. Two large cruciate ligament operations in 2008 and 2010 certainly gave him back a lot of mobility but over the years the way he moves has created spinal issues and it looks as if it is these that are causing bouts of intermittent paralysis. In addition his heart has slowed considerably and he is now ‘bradycardic.’ Chris is going to have a chat to the North East of Scotland’s top heart man and feels that more pain control is in order. And this is where the problem lies.

We only have one more pain relieving option and this contains a mild steroid. That’s fine – I do not want Alfie to be in pain. But when that stops working……

Chris warned me we are near the end of the road. I knew that in my heart. It is still hard to hear it from someone else and I have shed tears. Many of them. It is tough watching someone you love become less able and struggle to do the things they love. Alfie is a Border Collie and LOVES getting out and about. He can no longer cope with our long walks and ball throwing but refuses to be left at home, howling miserably as I head out with the others. He wants to do this -

Some may say that I am being cruel and should put him out of his misery. Others may say that I should enjoy what little time we have left. It is hard to know what to do for my much-loved dog. He isn’t whimpering in pain, sleeping all day and refusing to come out for walks. He still wants to be part of our life here, and join in with everyday activities. Am I being cruel and indeed selfish, by keeping him going when he is struggling? It is hard to know what to do for the best.

Being ill myself has given me days of bleakness when I have had to come to terms with not doing the things I love any more. But I can look into options which a dog cannot do. Alfie wants to eat, sleep, run, play and be with those he loves and I cannot offer him options to make up for the active parts of life. If there was surgery to make him better I would sell my soul to make it happen. Sadly there isn’t.

We are now having short walks and the others have been surprisingly accepting of the curtailed activity. I throw the ball for them while Alfie potters or has a lie down. We walk at odd hours of the day when it is cool so that his heart doesn’t struggle and we go home if he tires.

This was Alfie yesterday -

The curly tail is still held proudly and waves in ecstasy when he is happy. He still has a woofing session when encouraged. And these shall be my guidelines. While there is still a wag and a woof I will do everything in my power to please my lovely dog. When the wag and the woof have gone I will know it is time to let go