I'm copying and pasting this a bunch of places, because I don't have the heart to type it out more than once.
Kaylee is gone. We let her go this morning at 9:15. She was ready, even if I wasn't, and her needs were the most important thing.
Kaylee began having seizures on 1/13/11. I'd retired her from service dog work in June, when she began exhibiting her 'mystery lameness', and we couldn't find anything wrong. X-rays, a chiropractor visit, bloodwork, Lyme testing- everything was normal. We discussed back injury- potentially one caused by leaping off the concrete deck and landing on the stone beach at the lake where she loved to swim. I'd come to terms with the fact that coming back to work probably wasn't in the cards for her, even though she loved it, and loved training. She got MAD if I was training with another dog and she had to watch- those were HER cookies and HER toys. She wasn't much for tug- and her retrieves weren't perfect, as she preferred to drop the toy on the way back rather than bring it to hand. I had a pet home lined up- I wasn't sure if she would be able to move into a pet-only role, especially since I would be training another service dog prospect soon. I didn't think- except in moments of anxiety- about neurological stuff like epilepsy.
Wings, my first collie, died of epilepsy over Labor Day weekend in 2006. Her first grand mal seizure was late Saturday night, and we never got them under control in the next 48 hours, despite IV meds and the best efforts of a great emergency clinic. I made the decision to put her down when her liver began to fail- we couldn't go any further with the drugs, and they weren't even making a dent in the seizures. I didn't want to go down that road again.
Kaylee's first seizure on 1/13/11 was awful. I was sitting at my desk when it happened, and because my camera was right there, I got it on video. I'm not posting it now. I may, later, or I may not- I don't know. It lasted nearly 6 minutes, and was horrific. I took her to the vet immediately afterwards; we did bloodwork, and started her on phenobarb, the most common drug used to control seizures in dogs. I got back on the epilepsy lists (I'd lurked on one before, but couldn't remember the name- Wings had gone so quickly that I had not spent long on the list.) She never really came back- after the first few days, she could stagger around, but was spending alot of time running into things, getting stuck in corners (and behind the fridge) and panicking when that happened.She panicked worse when crated. The epil-k9 list reassured me, gave me hope that we could treat this, that it was within the norm for medication side effects. I made an appointment with an accupuncture/TCVM vet- the earliest available- and hoped we could hold out. Meanwhile, Kaylee deteriorated instead of improving. Two days after her first seizure, she was staggering but responsive, willing to try and follow a toy in the yard (although she could only turn in one direction.) She was very one-sided from that first seizure- the blink reflex in her right eye was gone- she'd blink if you touched her eyelashes, but just waving a hand in front of her eye didn't elicit a response. Her eyes were so dark that it was impossible to see if her pupil was responding to light. Given that she was never the most visual dog in the first place- she was CEA affected (mild)- I'd decided that we'd deal with it later. The ataxia that we initially chalked up to a phenobarb side effect started out as just unsteadiness progressed. We decreased her phenobarb a week from the first seizure. I bought mats from costco- she couldn't remember where they were, so I blocked her into the laundry room when I couldn't be there to move her onto one right away- I had enough to cover the whole floor in there. She'd been exhibiting a behavior called 'headpressing' off and on since the first day, but it became increasingly pronounced- she'd find a corner and lean against the wall and rub her head against it- she rubbed a raw spot the size of a quarter on her muzzle and made her nose bleed. Phenobarb can cause headaches in people- but headpressing is also associated with a specific liver disorder, hepatic encepholapthy. (That seemed unlikely, given that her liver numbers had been clear when the behavior started.) I started her on a homeopathic pain medication- Traumeal- and milk thistle. (Thanks Callie.) Over the weekend, she began having trouble standing up on her own, even on the mats. If I helped her up, though, she could manage to walk around. On Monday, she couldn't manage that- she needed help getting her front feet under her too. She was unresponsive to my mother- her favorite person that she saw regularly- on Monday afternoon, and my heart just sank. With the vet's permission, I took her off the phenobarb. I knew that it was a significant risk for seizures, but the side effects were so severe that she was either in liver failure- or something else was going on. We'd deal with it. She had a mild seizure over 24 hours later, but it was nothing like the first one- just some paddling. She seemed more concious as she came off the phenobarb- but increasingly distressed. The headpressing behavior escalated, even though she couldn't stand- she'd flail until she got herself next to a wall, and she'd rub her head against the wall, lengthwise along the muzzle. She cried- not just when she couldn't get up, but while leaning against a wall, like she hurt. I think her head hurt.
Yesterday afternoon, I came home from agility class to discover that she had peed and pooped on herself- something tha thadn't happened since the very first seizure. When I tried to stand her up in order to rinse her off- she couldn't stand steadily enough for me to give her a real bath- she couldn't right her front paws- they curled under when they hit the ground. I called my vet, only to remember that Tuesday is the day they close early. I called my old vet, hoping to get the practice manager who knew me- they'd never seen Kaylee, but we'd been with the clinic for many years, until I moved. They were full up- even if I could get there by closing, they couldn't do it. I decided we'd wait. Maybe she'd had a seizure while I was gone and this was just post-ictal stuff.
It was a very long night. I put a shower curtain on my bed and lifted her up there- I'd been afraid to because I didn't want her to fall off trying to get down before. Kaylee slept on my bed, stretched out next to me with her back against my leg, every night from the day I brought her home in 2008, except for the day she got spayed. I catnapped and I think she got at least a little sleep. I syringe fed her some water, because she seemed thirsty, but couldn't manage the coordination to drink out of a bowl. I carried her outside when it got light so she could lie on the grass by the rosemary bush where she liked to catch and eat bees.
Dr. B thinks that based on the severity of the seizure and her symptoms, that she may have had a brain tumor, particularly since her liver values started out normal and the ataxia got worse and worse even as her phenobarb dosage decreased. It doesn't really matter now- a necroscopy might have shown us something, or it might not have, and I decided I'd rather have her ashes back than a chance of an answer that wouldn't bring my dog back anyway.
Kaylee will be my last collie- forever, I think (although I may be wrong.) I love them- I love their gentle spirits, their pointy noses, the combination of enthusiasm and sweetness with which they approach everything, and their intelligent-without-evil attitude about the world. But I can't do this again, as much as I love the breed. I would foster for collie rescue, but I can't fall in love with another one, and they're easy dogs to fall in love with. Kaylee adored kids and had a excited wiggle-and-hip-check manuver that she'd do to her favorite people- bend over a pet me, dammit. I never did manage to get her 100% on not jumping on my mother when excited- but she was always very polite and careful around my 92-year-old grandmother. She never earned an obedience title- we were planning to do that this spring before she left for a pet home, since Novice didn't include the jumping that was forbidden to her. She worked as my service dog for a little over a year, helping me manage my anxiety, alerting to migraines (interestingly enough, her mother Delilah got sniffy at me when I had one while babysitting for her, although Pebbles and Malcolm (Kaylee's half-siblings, also out of Delilah) did not.) and helping me find the car when I got overwhelmed in parking lots. She flew to the Oregon Coast with me in 2009, and loved chasing seagulls on the beach. She loved Snowpocolypse last year and played until she had so much snow in her coat that her legs got stuck together. Even after her retirement from working and sports, there were still so many things left that I wanted for her to be able to do and see and experience. She would have been four years old in a little more than a month.
Bou, Indy, and Wings- play nice with your sister at the bridge. I'll see you all again someday.