I can deal with anything if I have the facts. I'm very good at accepting and preparing for bad news. I realize that certain things are beyond our control and all the prayers and denial in the world is not going to change the outcome. What I can't seem to manage however is uncertainty. My brain does not respond well to the 'wait and see' process. I find it mentally torturous.

Since late January I have been struggling with prospect that my dog is terminally ill. Unable to get a confirmed diagnosis has put me on a never ending roller coaster. I am constantly looking for signs of disease progression or improvement. I have become obsessed with every little nuance in my dogs physical and mental state that it has become impossible to make any sort of reasonable evaluation.

My approach to the care of my dog swings from pushing him to lose weight, keeping him well exercised, demanding behavioural compliance to basically just making his life pleasurable. I am torn between a palliative care and a long term health approach.

I also struggle with the idea that treatment (steroids) may indeed be killing him. Am I sentencing him with liver, kidney, heart disease? Do I have a choice?

So here we are. In March, I was told Kobi would probably only survive 1 to 3 months if the probable diagnosis of cancer was right. He is very close to 4 months now and is no where near deaths door, although he has not gotten any better either. Is the cancer progressing slower than expected or is it Neuritis after all? 

All I can do is 'wait and see'. It is killing me.