It's not unusual for this to cause complete upheaval in a pack. For the LONGEST time after we lost Muffin the Intrepid we COULD ***NOT*** mention his name. For the longest time, David and I had to call him (like in the Harry Potter books except with a completely opposite connotation) "The One Who Can Not Be Named" because Foxy would get SO depressed.
Foxy was 17 1/2 at the time and I honestly was terrified that he was going to just walk to The Bridge and take himself over. I really truly thot he'd mourn himself to death. I put him in basic obedience at the age of 17 1/2 so we could get his CGC (so he could go to hospitals like Muffin did) because he wanted SO BADLY to take all of Muffin's 'stuff' on his own shoulders.
For them to look for her and feel agitated is normal. It affects them as strongly as you ... particularly Oliver -- she raised him essentially.
The "what ifs" will kill you. We kept Muffin on chemo "too long". David and I STILL disagree on that. Chemo saved his life ... but I listened to a vet who, herself, had gone thru cancer and who had cut short her chemo because she felt 'sick' THEN she got cancer in the other breast.
So SHE advocated long long long term chemo (almost as a "kill the cancer before it starts" type of prevention). But it's too hard on the rest of the body.
At the time we'd just started with the TCVM and I was scared to 'trust' it fully. NOW I see that we'd have made out better with that than the chemo going on so long.
I *could* be full of self-recrimination ... but I won't let myself because overall that's destructive. But I *do* try to make sure that folks that are contemplating chemo for their dog know how much easier TCVM can make it and not to let it go on 'too long'. (Muffin took chemo for nearly a year -- like 9 months. I wish I'd stopped it at 4 months!!)
It's also because of Muffin that i"m such a proponent of milk thistle. I didn't do ANY with Muffin because I didn't know then that it would help the kidneys and I really didn't think about the liver.
I learned.
Both Dyan and Karen lost heartbreakers -- to mysterious (at first) circumstances. But don't let yourself get lost in self-recrimination -- we make the best descisions we can THEN. Sometimes our vet help isn't the best -- and both of you will know those limitations in future.
I lost Muffin and felt like I was 'unheard' ... for MONTHS he'd been off his food -- not majorly but he WAS a chowhound. But I kept nagging and nagging the vet that he was a little reluctant to eat ... and my vet didn't know then to look for early renal failure.
After we lost Muffin Dr. Bailey and I cried together -- and since then he's read everything he can get his hands on about ERF and what he feels he *should* have known ... and it won't happen again to a dog under his care.
One of the early early clues that Billy was getting the IMHA was that he was just a tiny bit nauseated ... and I screeched the house down about it. Dr. Bailey pulled out all the stops as well **because** he knew I knew my dog and if *I* said this was ABnormal ... then bless it, it WAS.
So in Muffin's loss ... I was able to help Billy.
Does that make sense? You can't be afraid to try again. karen, I think you learning the signs of Evan's disease is AWESOME ... so often on here we have people passing thru with dogs with IMHA ... and you will be able to be the chief voice saying "MAKE SURE they check***platelets***"!!!"
We can do those things in our friends' memory. Every dog I help with demodex I will sit here and say "Muffin -- that one's for you!!". Every dog I help that has a spinal injury (and direct people to TCVM and massage) I say "Polly ... that one's for YOU!!"
There's just one more step beyond self-recrimination ... and that's putting the grief in it's place and using it to help others.
We aren't all knowing .. and we don't have endless resources ... so we just do what we can.
You guys are so fresh in your grief -- and that's so difficult. Karen, Dr. D grieved with you tonight when I told her about Snickers.
It took me about seven years (no joke) to process my grief for Prissy. I had other dogs ... but so often I cried myself to sleep. But when I finally did get beyond it ... it changed my life. and honestly? I have Prissy to thank for that!! In a very real sense she reached beyond The Bridge and handed me part of my life back.
Keep working on it -- you *will* process your grief ... part of it is working thru it with other dogs. Dyan ... don't wait too long. but don't be hurried either.
**group hug**