I would say my relationship with my mum is so-so.
She had an affair when I was little and ran off with this other guy when I was 3. I don't hate her, dislike her, resent her at all... at least not consciously. But sadly, I feel that my life would not be all that different if she were not around.
Before I had Will, she made little to no effort to make contact with me, and when he was born it ws like we got closer. But - apparently not. The truth is, mum just likes babies! The older he gets, the further apart we drift again. She has very little contact with my brothers and sisters either, and most of that contact is initiated by them rather than her. Really - I am not exaggerating here - it's like we could drop off the planet and she would not notice!
I do everything
to try to touch base and keep contact, but it can be hard work and it
needs to be a 2 way street. I thought I would understand her more as a mother once I was one myself, but the opposite is true. Because now *I* have a kid, I canNOT understand how she could abandon her babies. If I were in that position now - leaving DH (doG forbid) - you might as well chop off my arm as expect me to leave the house without my baby(s)! Similarly, when they are grown, I known that they will stiill be (to me) "my babies" and I will contact them now and again to see how they are....
Maybe I'm being unfair, but Dad always used to.... he always knew what was going on, if we had a test or a new job coming up, and he would always ring to wish us luck and give support. He'd ring round Xmas, birthdays (when he remembered, bless him) new year, easter, with well wishes and to see how we are. And sometimes he'd just pick up the phone and say "haven't seen you in a while - how are you? Is everything ok?".
Really truly, I sometimes wonder why it was Dad that had to get cancer and die. I feel terrible for feeling that way, but sometimes I can't stop myself. In reality, HE was my parent, and now it's like I don;t have one.
I am very grateful that mum has agreed to mind Will once a fortnight for me, and has done since I returned to work. It's helped me out a lot, but the flip side of the coin is that sometimes she allows things I don't, or disallows things I allow (if that makes sense). I let her know what MY rules are, the ones I feel strongly about and want stuck to, and then I butt out and let her get on with it. If I feel she oversteps the mark, I let her know, as nicely as possible. It's hard, because I don;t want to ruin the tentative relationship we have got, which is why, to balance it out, I try to butt out and let her get on with it as much as possible. I suspect the older Will gets, the harder it will be.
I know hardly anyone who has a stellar relationship with their mum, even though in some cases it is just because they are so similar to their mums. So I guess what I am trying to say is, try to feel lucky for the little bit of good you DO have and build on that rather than focusing on negatives, and more for your kids sake than your own. Grandparents are a blessing, even when they do things differently than we might like. Virtually all kids should have a relationship with their grandparents, IMO.
"Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day, but set fire to him and he is warm for the rest of his life." - Pratchett, "Jingo"
